Monday, 23 January 2012

Party time

Dearest Virginia,

Well at long last dear I have a grand daughter. Anna Michelle is recovering; anyone would think she was the first woman in history to have given birth the way she's carrying on. Heaven only knows how she would have gone on in my day. The nearest thing we came to a drug was a Beachams Powder and a strong cup of tea. She has a few stitches but given the very clear design faults I think she got off very lightly despite giving birth. The only thing that seems to impress her is she's gone up three bra size's which the boys at the pub will really like, I am sure they will but if I know men the sight of a small human hanging off them will somewhat kill the ardour.
Regards proud Gran Gran Fanny xx

Dear Fanny,

Congratulations to you and Anna Michelle and baby ?? What is she calling the infant dear, none of those ridiculous footballers’ names I hope like Chardonnay or Pinot Grigio and I pray that she’s not going down the line of film and pop stars, Apple, Blanket or Satchel? If it was a boy and knowing Anna’s way of spending the day it should be either William Hill or Budweiser.

Such a shame you missed my party, how typical of Anna Michelle to ruin your leisure time. Well it went with a swing dear and you missed a treat. There were an enormous amount of Hitlers which is a bit worrying, I half expected Max Moseley to arrive. I wanted us to have fun and relive the days when Britain was great and pulled together. I, of course, went as Vera Lynn, my renditions of We’ll meet again and The White Cliffs of Dover went down a treat. How I wish we had the same sprit as then. There’s that Cameron saying he's going to mount a challenge against the European Courts when he couldn’t mount a pavement without a map or his nanny. It’s shocking,

Anyway dear, I don’t coo over babies as you know but I will send it a suitable gift and see it just before it goes to University. What am I saying, this is Anna’s off spring.

Tootles V xxx

PS Don’t call yourself Gran Gran dear, so demeaning, and so aging,

Wednesday, 11 January 2012


My dear Fanny, I managed to break into the office last night (ve are forbidden ze use of laptops und any uzer aid as it interferes viz our bodies) I wish there was someone here I wanted to interfere viz my body! Anyway I used the PC and have booked my flight. I shall be home at the weekend. I am planning my little soiree for the following Friday so you Percy and Mathew start planning your costumes. And then, the week after we will be off to Thailand yippee. As to clothing dear. Well currently its 29°C in Bangkok which is about 84 degrees in Fahrenheit. So I think you would be wise packing lots of cool cotton items. Clothing is cheap in Thailand so you could always plan on updating your wardrobe, designer label copies are everywhere, particularly the night markets, so I am told. What you must avoid is wearing your lisle stockings dear, I know they hide your varicose veins but they are so unattractive – probably more than the veins. In a few days you will have a lovely tan. So shorts, t shirts, cotton skirts and a nice frock or two. Pack plenty of beach wear including a hat and also comfy sandals and walking shoes. Don’t forget it’s a long flight and whilst I don’t expect to see you in tracksuit bottoms and a hoodie you must be prepared to be comfortable, after all dear you do bloat a lot whilst travelling. Do you remember the time we flew to Jersey? And don’t forget to pack some rainwear dear, I believe that storms are imminent. I thought we could stay for a few days in Bangkok to see the sights, don’t want to miss the Royal Grand Palace and the floating market not to mention the various temples. By the way I believe there is a dress code dear so pack a cardi and jacket. I am so looking forward to throwing a party for my homecoming. Mrs F King Echo will, I am sure, devise a menu of gorgeous eats that will include all the food groups I have been missing at the clinic, proteins, fats, carbs and alcohol, in every bloody dish if I get my way. I have already thought up my costume. Be prepared to be stunned. Do write soon dear, but don’t forget I shall be leaving on Saturday, a new glowing, slimmer sexy Virginia. Much love, V Xxxxx I have found half a Mars Bar – strictly a banned substance - in a pocket in one of my suitcases they missed when they searched me. I intend to savour it.